


No Thoughts

by allsoulsnight



Category: Killing Eve (TV 2018)
Genre: Cunnilingus, Emotional Villanelle, F/F, Heartbreak, I wanted to write Villanelle/Eve but this idea stuck in my brain first, Longing, One day prior to 3x01, Post 2x08, Rough Sex
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-26
Updated: 2020-04-26
Packaged: 2021-03-01 17:07:07
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,199
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23850535
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/allsoulsnight/pseuds/allsoulsnight
Summary: Villanelle tries to be present with her fiancée the night before her wedding day but she can't seem to keep intrusive thoughts at bay.
Relationships: Eve Polastri/Villanelle | Oksana Astankova, Villanelle | Oksana Astankova / Maria
Comments: 9
Kudos: 78





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This bubbled out of my brain because I have too much excess excitement for Season 3. I know Episode 3 is about to wreck me emotionally and I can't seem to calm my nerves.
> 
> Enjoy some emotional Villanelle.

_“Don’t be jealous. I’m not with them when I’m with them.”_

“I thought you wanted to wait until after the wedding tomorrow?” Maria asked, breathless, as lips kissed down her neck and teeth raked across the soft skin there.

“Yes, but I want you now.” Villanelle purred, her voice deeper as she breathed heavily. It had been a while. “Take off your clothes.” She ordered, not hesitating to give Maria a chance to comply with the request before ripping off whatever she could reach.

“That’s—ah!” Maria began, her breath caught in her chest when strong arms pushed her shoulders back onto the bed roughly. Her lover was moving at a pace that she couldn’t quite keep up with but she didn’t want it to stop.

Villanelle leaned back to undo her robe and a curious hand reached out to graze the scar above her hip.

“Dios mio… What—”

A hand suddenly grabbed her wrist tightly and cut her off. Her eyes met steel ones in the dark. “It’s nothing.”

“But I thought—”

“No, no thoughts.” Villanelle leaned forward and pressed Maria’s arms above her head, kissing her again to silence anymore talk.

One thought came to the forefront of her own mind, though.

Eve.

Villanelle cursed as she moved lower onto the bed and nipped at the inner thigh of her finance, moving further in to busy her tongue.

_“I feel things when I’m with you.”_

Then the memory of Eve flooded her senses. A familiar and warm silhouette from the depths of her subconscious… It gave Villanelle the familiar feeling in the pit of her stomach that always settled between her legs.

“Oh, Villane—” The woman above her began to moan. She was met with a hand over her mouth to muffle the sound as Villanelle’s tongue worked in earnest between her legs. Both women squeezed their eyes shut instantaneously.

She remembered the first time she saw Eve, she remembered Eve’s hair and her scent, Eve’s hand on her cheek, her body pressed to hers… Then she remembered Eve with Raymond’s axe in her hands. Blood everywhere. The look in Eve’s eyes then: the terror, the anger, the potential…

Villanelle would always stop her thoughts there. She would remember everything but-

_“No, Eve… Wait, why are you being like this? …You love me.”_

_“No.”_

“Mi amor… Oh...” Maria moaned loudly. She had moved Villanelle’s hand to knead her breast instead, her hips arching up into her mouth. “Ah!!” Her moaned turned surprised as her lover moved away from her core and up towards her on the bed. “Why did y—“ The while caught in Maria’s throat as three fingers sunk themselves deep within her and began thrusting in earnest. “¡Carajo!” She cursed and threw her head back into the pillow. Again, a hand came up to cover her mouth.

“Shhh!” Villanelle whispered as she took a nipple into her mouth and sucked hard. She was irritated now, Maria obviously thought she was just playing by the way she tried to lick in between Villanelle’s fingers. It hurt to much to think about—

_“I love you.”_

_“No.”_

_“I do.”_

_“You don’t understand what that is.”_

With a frustrated growl, Villanelle removed her fingers and flipped the pair around so that Maria was on top of her now. Their lips met roughly for only a moment as Villanelle needed her somewhere altogether different. She pushed Maria’s shoulders and pressed her down farther so she now settled between her legs. When a tongue licked the length of her sex, Villanelle sighed and closed her eyes tighter. She tried to shake the memory, but it continued.

_“I do. You’re mine.”_

_“No.”_

_“You are! You’re mine! Eve?”_

“Fingers!” She snarled, now tugging on dark locks and grabbing her own breast roughly. She opened her eyes as a tear fell from her eye.

_“I thought you were special.”_

_“I’m sorry to disappoint.”_

“No!” Villanelle screamed suddenly wiping the tear from her cheek roughly. She sat up straight and removed Maria’s fingers from inside of her. Villanelle grabbed her robe and left without another word or even a glance Maria’s way.

“Wait! Where are you going?” Maria asked, sitting up on the bed and following only with her eyes.

Villanelle walked across the empty house, determined but aimless. The veranda overlooking the field outside of the villa was where she ended up. The night air was cold against her bare skin but it was not the reason a shiver crept down her spine. She leaned forward onto the glass table where they took breakfast most mornings. The elegant vase in the middle of the table caught her eye. It held an arrangement of beautiful long stem white roses.

Eve.

Eve was everywhere. Villanelle couldn’t tell if the regret she felt was stronger than the heartbreak. Either way, the emotions swelled in her chest to the point where she felt as if her heart would burst from the longing both brought.

Villanelle grabbed the vase from the table and threw it over the railing of the balcony. With a muffled crash, the vase shattered into a million pieces on the gravel with the roses strewn unceremoniously amongst the remnants. Villanelle’s eyes glossed over and she felt a familiar emptiness replace the emotion. She took another breath and raised her face to give a wide smile to the night sky. There, that was better.

When Villanelle finally returned to the dimly lit room, Maria was clad in her night gown again and was now perched on the end of the ornate four-poster bed. “What was that all about?”

“It’s nothing. I’m fine.” She replied casually as she settled under the sheets, placed a kiss on Maria’s cheek, and turned away from her.

“Is it because you are nervous about the wedding?” Her Spanish accent soft in Villanelle’s ear as she settled behind her, the mattress dipping. A gentle hand reached out and caressed Villanelle’s shoulder, she immediately pulled back when that shoulder recoiled. Villanelle couldn’t have controlled that if she tried.

“It’s nothing. I dealt with it.” Villanelle replied again. “Good night.”

Maria took moment but hesitantly accepted and put out the light. “Dulces sueños…”

With luck, Villanelle wouldn’t dream at all.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eve is recovering in her hospital bed but can't seem to heal as well as she wants to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is dedicated to KillingEveKindofLove. Thank you for the support.

The road to recovery was not a smooth one for Eve Polastri. Physical therapy sessions, agonizing pain in her chest, days spent motionless as her brain reeled from the pain killers. She found herself staring at the small television in her room most days as she drifted in and out of consciousness. Every now and then she’d come to finding Italian soap operas that she couldn’t quite follow.

It seemed that all Eve could do was think and that was the last thing she wanted to do. It would surface eventually, she knew, but she didn’t want to think about that yet.

“Cosa è successo caro?” It was an honest, simple sounding question that caught her attention. It stirred Eve out of her thoughts and back into the present.

Eve opened her eyes and raised her head to find the voice, wincing slightly at the tightness in her chest “Excuse me?”

Where the bed had been empty yesterday, there was now an elderly woman laying on her left side. The woman was hooked up to several IV’s and had an oxygen tube settled under her nose. When she spoke again, her voice sounded raspy in her chest. “What…eh…happen?” She was struggling to find the words in English. She pointed at Eve’s back.

“Oh,” Eve breathed. No one had asked her that aside from the doctors. What was she going to say? “Gun shot” She replied honestly as she adjusted her position and pointed to her chest with two fingers, her thumb outstretched to mimic a gun.

The woman nodded and held a sad apology in her eyes. She turned and looked at the tv and pointed a crooked finger excitedly at it. “Adoro questo!” She seemed excited about the show now on the small screen, the round of coughs that came from her took both women by surprise.

Eve sat up on her bed slowly and reached out a hand to swivel the hospital table holding a cup of water closer to the woman. When she gratefully took the cup and then sipped with a shakey hand, Eve gathered that she had some type of severe pneumonia.

“Eve.” She pointed to herself and gave a weak smile to the woman.

“Ah, che bella!” She smiled and coughed once more. She pointed to herself and introduced herself. “Viviana”

Eve didn’t know what to say to the woman so she smiled and turned away to watch the television with her. The woman put her in mind of the woman in Paris she met when visiting Villanelle’s apartment. 

A nurse entered the room and checked on Eve. It was time to change out the dressings on her wound and Eve slid down her hospital gown to give the nurse access. When the nurse gently pushed her hair from her shoulder, the hand grazed her skin gently, and the voice she heard suddenly was not the nurse’s.

_“How did it feel?”_

God, Eve thought about Raymond when she saw the blood on the discarded bandages. It sent her right back to Rome. Sometimes she thought of it before she slept, if she slept. Eve still remembered what it felt like when that axe hit home, again and again and again. It did feel wet… And warm… And... Eve willed herself to feel every negative emotion that she could about it but the feeling of thrill had begun to wind its way into her recollection and she hated herself for it.

The gentle touches on her back continued and Eve closed her eyes.

_“I love you. I do.”_

No, she didn’t. How could she understand what that was? She had never sacrificed anything to be with someone or taken anyone else into consideration but herself. Villanelle was so selfish.

_"I thought you were special."_

Eve’s mind wandered and she hated herself for indulging the idea of her and Villanelle running away together. How things would have been perfect for a moment in time. Short and fleeting, yes, but at least it would be something tangible that Eve had in her life. Something that would fill the emptiness in her chest that was there far before the remnants of the bullet. What would some semblance of a close relationship with Villanelle look like? How would it feel being with her for extended periods of time in close proximity.

There was only what she knew of Anna to go off of. All of those letters and photographs. Eve knew that they had been intimate. She could understand why Anna was defensive about admitting they’d had sex but how many times? What did their dalliances look like? Surely Villanelle would have taken the lead, stolen the first kiss, unbuttoned the first button, pushed Anna over the precipice first. Or maybe she would relinquish control and give Anna the reins.

The thought of someone controlling Villanelle sent heat through her veins. The someone was general, yes, but Eve would never admit she was imagining a mirror image of herself pinning the other woman down and untangling her from the designer chains that bound her, body and mind. Little by little, she would expose her at an agonizing pace. She knew Villanelle would be impatient, she’d go even slower. Villanelle would reveal herself to Eve’s greedy eyes.

The eyes brought her out of her current reverie and straight into another focus. Those eyes: always wide and alert… Eve had not registered until now that she’d seen something new in those eyes that she’d never seen before. Villanelle had been vulnerable in Rome and Eve was too caught up in everything to see. She had just killed a man and her world had turned upside down for what felt the thousandth time in a short while. 

Still, Eve would not apologize for reacting the way she did. She wasn’t like Villanelle.

Or was she?

Eve convinced herself that Villanelle had no heart to break like hers was surely doing. If only she knew that was far from true.

“Miss? Miss?” The nurse gently tapped Eve’s hand and her eyes slipped open. She had been lost in thought for a while. “I’m finished with your bandages and the Doctor wanted me to tell you… He is preparing your discharge papers for tomorrow. You’ll get to go home.”

“Home.” Eve repeated with a nod and zoned out again as the nurse continued to speak.

What would life be like when Eve returned to London? It was time to focus on picking up the pieces of her old life and start a new one.

That was the last time Eve would admit to herself that Villanelle was on her mind. She would swallow the feelings down deep inside of her and simply exist until she couldn’t anymore. It was a conscious choice she was making but it was one Eve needed to keep herself from spiraling out of control.

That’s what she needed: Control. And if that meant leaving memories of Villanelle behind, so be it.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!
> 
> Let me know what you think?!


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